It has been 13-weeks since the saga of my heart journey began... 13-weeks since that Friday the 13th in September 2019 when I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve.
Since then, a lot of you have heard me share about this experience. I’ve tried to write thorough accounts of what we faced and what has happened along the way. But I have been wanting to write about the very personal thoughts that were running through my head 13-weeks ago.
I had no clue that such an event would happen to me at 31-years of age. Even though I didn’t feel well, I didn’t look like a person who was in heart failure with an aortic valve that was “in shreds” due to the destruction of endocarditis. I was already shocked to have gone to the doctor for a routine echo and be told, “You have to have open heart surgery.” (And my first thought was, “Good Lord! September 11th is even more of an unforgettable date for me now.”) As I was starting to get my swirling head wrapped around that news, I thought, “What’s that new term they keep saying? Starts with an E... What’s that all about?” After finding out all of the damage that “endocarditis” had done to me in such a short period of time; I quickly memorized that word, spelling, and description. “Dear God, I never knew that I could get such a bacteria. How did I even get this? They talk like they’re not sure how.” When my surgeon told me that the operation would have a “60% mortality rate,” I thought, “I don’t think I want to clarify whether ‘death’ is the 60 or the 40.” My surgeon explained that open heart would be even more dangerous for me because of this infection, so they had to wait for the antibiotics to get to work in my body. But he said that they didn’t want to wait too long to do surgery because pieces could break off from my shredded aortic valve and cause me to have a stroke. And that is when tears started rolling down my face. I signed the paper to have the open heart surgery. I read the part that said if I didn’t have surgery my prognosis was death. “Well, Lord, I have no other choice. There is no other choice. There’s nothing that I did that caused this. There’s nothing that I could have done to stop this. This is it.”
My family & I were so thankful for all of the people who came to visit us while I was in the hospital waiting for surgery. I can actually say that I had fun seeing everyone. My room stayed packed like we were having a party. The love, prayers, and testimonies from everyone encouraged us and strengthened us. The visits helped keep us from being eaten up with worry.
But I would stay awake all night. “I don’t want to fall asleep and have a stroke. I’ve got to stay alert, and take care of things that I need to do before surgery.” My family, my medical team, and I had faith and hope. “Thank You, Lord, that they think this is worth doing. I mean, it’s a good sign for me that they’re going through with this, right?” But there was still plenty of room for fear to creep in. I felt like I had a lot of hurdles coming up that I was going to have to jump. It’s wasn’t just a straight shot to the finish line. “Dear God, I’ve got to get through these days waiting on surgery. I don’t want to have a stroke. The antibiotics need to work so I’ll be safer for surgery. I have to make it through the actual surgery and not die on the operating table. I don’t want my vocal cords to get nicked when they run that tube down my throat. And then there’s after surgery! I don’t want to get pneumonia, or another infection, or die of a blood clot. They’ll want me to cough and go to bathroom before they release me. And then I have to work on staying well at home! I’ve got 6-weeks worth of antibiotics and a PIC-line in my arm. Everything needs to go smoothly with that. And God, I don’t ever want to get this frightening ‘endocarditis’ again! How do I keep from getting something like this?”
I thought about the last two “Family Fold Church Gatherings” I had led. I went into the large, private, hospital bathroom while my loved ones caught a nap. I locked the door, folded a towel, and put it on the floor to cushion my knees. “I’m going to kneel down while I’m still able to ‘cause I sure won’t be after surgery.” That “bathroom” became my “prayer closet.” “Father God, I have believed in You my whole life. I have preached Your Word wholeheartedly. I know You work miracles. I told my church group about a lady that I met that the doctors gave her and her daughter no chance to live, and they are alive and healthy, twenty-years down the line. I know You did that! I have always believed in Jesus, and that He is the only way I can go to Heaven. I know that! But I want to know that more, ‘cause now more than ever I am having to put my money where my mouth is. The last sermon I preached, I shared 2 Timothy 4:6-8. ‘For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me on that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.’ God, I pray that those words could be said at the end of my life... But I don’t want my funeral happening anytime soon! I want to keep fighting the good fight. I want to live and stay on the course. I know You, Lord, but please help me because I want to know even more that I am in Your hands, that I am safe in You, that whether I live or die, I belong to You... And if I die on Friday, I want to know even more that I’m going to Heaven. I believe with all of my heart, and it is only because of what Jesus did on the cross for me. I’m trusting and depending on You. My all is on Your altar.”
The Prince of Peace continually filled me with His Peace as I awaited Friday the 13th of September. Over a 24-hour period, He sent me Isaiah 41:10 three times. My mom & dad ordered a beautiful flower arrangement with a little angel statue in it for me. They wanted to write a Bible verse on the card, so Mom got to searching for a Scripture. She stumbled on Isaiah 41:10, they liked what it said, and put that on the card for me. At another time, my husband brought me a card from my stack of “Ruth Bell Graham Memory Verses” that I keep in our guest restroom at home. (“After all, you do have a ‘captive audience’ to share a Bible verse with in the restroom, right? I mean, their eyes will have to see the Scripture card sitting there at the sink right beside the soap.”) Every morning at home, I would flip the memory verse cards and find a new Scripture for the day. It was always a surprise. Greg said to me in the hospital, “This card was sitting out in our bathroom at home, and I thought it was perfect for you, so I had to bring it to you.” It was Isaiah 41:10. “Wow!” And God added to that wow-factor when a friend of mine in Africa wrote me later on that day and said, “I am praying Isaiah 41:10 for you.” Prior to that, Isaiah 41:10 had not been a verse that anyone associated with me or that I had marked out as one of my “absolute favorites”... But it is now! I truly believe God was repeatedly and personally telling me, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
The evening before my open heart surgery, the minister came to serve communion to my family and me. (“This is not my ‘last rites.’ I’m doing like Jim Jewell used to do and taking a special communion because I am in need of some healing.”) Before we partook of the bread and wine, the minister shared a Scripture from Matthew 9:27-30 (NASB). “As Jesus went from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out, ‘Have mercy on us, Son of David!’ When He entered the house, the blind men came up to Him, and Jesus said to them, ‘Do you believe that I am able to do this?’ They said to Him, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Then He touched their eyes, saying, ‘It shall be done according to your faith.’ And their eyes were opened...” Sitting in that hospital bed, facing all of those hurdles and not knowing just how everything would turn out, verse 28 of that old familiar story strongly struck my heart and moved me to tears. It was like Jesus was asking me, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” “Yes, Lord. I believe in You. I trust You. All of my faith is in You.”
13-weeks later, I can tell you that Jesus did it! He has been with me and upheld me every step of the way. It was no walk in the park getting my chest cut open and all... But I feel like God did a miracle for me because so many parts of my story could have easily been way worse.
My first close relative unexpectedly passed away when I was 11-years-old. When I was 13, the second gig Mom & I ever did was a funeral. We’ve done many, many funerals since then. Pa (my dad’s father) passed away when I was 15. I’ve had several close music friends who were decades older than me, and they are playing with the “Angel Band” now. My uncle (Dad’s brother) passed away last year due to the flu. I’ve seen death strike people who are younger and healthier than me, too. And my whole life, I have believed the Bible, the Word of God that reminds me that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. (See James 4:13-15.) But my experience has driven this home for me even more, and I hope that my story encourages you in your faith. God loves you so much and is working personally in your life! He wants to be The One to walk with you through the raging storms and the fiery trials. You are not alone. And He wants to give you His peace so that no matter what happens to you - an unexpected obstacle, a tragedy, or even death - you can know that you are safe in Him. He wants you to know that you belong to Him, that your sins are forgiven, that you are in right standing with Him, and that you have eternal life. That’s how much He loves you! All you have to do is believe.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. (See Romans 8:38-39.) Call out to Him; for He says to you, “Come now, and let us reason together. Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18, NASB)
“If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.” (Romans 10:9-10, NASB)
~ Eryn Eubanks ~
12/11/19
